i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
