If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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