My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
