I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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