"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
