Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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