I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
