I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
