If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
