I just pynch a tree in the face
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
