Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
