bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
