I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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