dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
