My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
