ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
