I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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