I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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