I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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