apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
