and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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