how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
