My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
