just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Less talking, more tequila
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
