the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
