sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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