He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
