I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
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you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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