dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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