I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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