Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
