Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
