I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
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there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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