didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
