Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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