The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
