Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
