I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
