The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
a search helicopter?!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
