Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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