The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
