this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
