Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
