whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
