did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I did not marry a roomba.
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