i just wanna soil my oats bro
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
