I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
