I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is my gift to your gina
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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