we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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