nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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