Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
