I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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