And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
