Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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