Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
