boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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