The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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