did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
