Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
